My Grieving Journey:
It’s been almost 12 years (in July) since my mom gained her angel wings. At the time I was only 14 and was angry at God that he took my mom from me. I knew she was so sick and in pain from her cancer that it was a relief that she didn’t have to struggle anymore. Back then I didn’t know how much grief would still affect me today.
Now an almost 26 year old, I think about her more than ever. I struggle with the fact that she’s not here for my big life moments like graduation, my wedding, seeing me grow up but I truly think she sees me every day and is helping shape me into the woman I am still today. She is still my mom and I want to continue our mother-daughter bond.
Growing up Motherless
I always felt like I had to grow up fast and take care of my family more when she was sick. My younger sister was only 10. I really had to step into the shoes of my mom and provide my sister as much loving support as possible that my mom would’ve given her if she was still here. I know she watches over both of us and Dad but there’s something about her physical presence not being her that hurts.
I’m often jealous of the girls that still can call up their mom for advice and see them. I know I can do the same by writing and praying to her but it’s not the same.
I am so thankful to have a mom that still cares about me and wants me to succeed. She often answers my prayers and still supports me in a more unique way. I know someday we will be reunited and that I’m meant to share my story and keep living life!
Dealing with Grief
Grief is different for everyone. When I was just a teenager, I was so busy caught up with high school life that I’m not sure if I really processed grief. I know that I had bad days, cried, and wished she was still here but now more than ever I’m grieving more. I think it’s with age and realizing how precious life is. You’re not guaranteed tomorrow. Therefore, be happy! Give thanks to God through the good times and the bad. He has a plan for all of us and utilize each day to show his love.
Re-Connecting with my Faith
One thing I really have been missing is going to church. I’ve avoided it and made excuses since high school and college and now adult life. I’ve gone a few times by myself or with my sister but I really miss going with my mom. It was something us girls did and I wish I appreciated it more now that I can’t walk into church with her. It’s hard going to a church by yourself and especially a new one. I’m so thankful a friend reached out inviting me to go to church where I live now. I really think it will help me during my healing journey and also filling out my weekly prayer journal to re-connect my faith.
I’ve seen other young adults share their story of how they were able to connect with God’s message and I want to do the same. I think a lot of people can connect with the fact that we blame God when something bad happens especially when he takes a loved one. We question why? Why now? Why so young? We may never know the answer but trusting him and thanking him for the memories and experiences you had with that person can help.
Don’t forget to share their story and talk about your loved ones often. I’m starting to open up more about my mom and when I see others struggling, I try to help and connect. It sucks that someone else is going through the grieving process because you know how much it hurts but sharing stories and your experience might help them.
“New Normal” Life
You never know what someone is truly going through. The happiest person can have so much grief and depression hidden inside of them. I was told that it appears that I’ve been handed an easy life because I come off across that way but in reality, they know my story and understand the pain I’ve been through.
Life is not all sunshine and rainbows. Just because it might appear that someone has their life together doesn’t mean they do. Don’t assume anything. Especially since someone can lose their loved one and then have to act like nothing happened the next day and return back to their normal life when deep down, they are not okay. What you don’t get taught is that once their gone they’re gone and YOUR life still continues. You have to find your “new normal”.
I remember leaving the hospital the night my mom passed and we still had to drive home and go to bed like nothing happened. That is just mind blowing. The world doesn’t stop for you. It keeps going and you have to keep pushing. My mom often said the quote, “Just Keep Swimming” which I remind myself to do frequently.
With time, it does get a little easier. I’m finally able to open up about my grieving journey. Yes, it might feel like every day is hard at the beginning but you slowly start living your life again and realize you are here for a purpose. God isn’t ready for you yet even though the pain you are feeling is almost unbearable. You are meant to enjoy life and know you have angel/s watching over you helping you through the process.
So, for now, I’ll continue to feel my feelings of grief and welcome my angels to help me. Anger will set it somedays, but they are few compared to the good happy days. I’m excited to re-connect with the Lord and thank him for circumstances he has put me through. I am strong because of him.
Take care friends,